Congratulations on your purchase of Christmas™! Your satisfaction
with this Christmas™ is guaranteed if you follow the assembly guidelines
TOOLS YOU WILL NEED: 1) Detachment,
2) Silence, 3) Quality Time (QT) with Spouse and/or Family.
PARTS LIST: 1) Gift List, 2) Luke
(Gospel of), 3) Nativity Sticker, 4) Christmas™ Allen wrench. NOTE: Stainless Steel AdventBase™ (not included) is
required for assembly of your Christmas™. CAUTION:
ASSEMBLY OF CHRISTMAS™ WITHOUT ADVENTBASE™ WILL RESULT IN INSTABILITY OF YOUR
CHRISTMAS™ AND POTENTIAL INJURY.
Step 1: Unpack your Christmas™,
arranging all parts on horizontal surface. Caution: Contents may have shifted
during shipping. Locate Gift List (1). On one side of Gift List (1), write all
stated and unstated wishes of entire family, including self. On reverse of Gift
List, write all Christmas gifts given and received in prior Christmas.
Step 2: Using Christmas™ Allen wrench
(4), insert Detachment into corner tabs of Gift List. In counter-clockwise
motion, slowly loosen Gift List screws until fizz is heard, indicating
decompression. NOTE: HANDLE GIFT LIST
WITH CARE. Some Gift Lists may be highly pressurized; loosening of screws may
result in release of acidic compound, causing skin irritations and at times,
severe burns. Repeat Step 2 until Gift List no longer creates fizzing sound.
STOP: CONTINUED ASSEMBLY OF CHRISTMAS™ WHILE
GIFT LIST IS STILL FULMINATING WILL RESULT IN MALFUNCTION OF YOUR CHRISTMAS™.
Step 3: Locate Luke (2) and place on
table, lap, or other horizontal surface. Unfasten tabs, and open. Grip Silence
in both hands and in slow left-to-right motion, remove contents of Luke in
small portions. Apply portions in even measure throughout home and around
AdventBase™. Repeat Step 3 daily in 10-20 minute increments until Dec. 25. NOTE: Daily contact with Luke may result in altered
psychological states for some users.
WARNING: FAILURE TO HANDLE LUKE WITH SILENCE
WILL RESULT IN FAULTY ASSEMBLY OF YOUR CHRISTMAS™.
Step 4: Locate Nativity Sticker (3) and affix to wall in central
gathering place of family, within 5 feet of AdventBase™. Next, in sweeping
circular motion over 2-4 hour periods of time, employ Quality Time (QT) with
spouse and/or family in close proximity to Nativity Sticker. Repeat daily,
distributing Luke in even portions to each family member. NOTE:
Initial QT with family may result in outcries, tedium, or heightened anxiety. Repeat
Step 4 until all family members are able to remain in non-fractious state for
1-2 hour spans of time. Proceed to Step 5 only when family is able to sustain
5-minute discussion of Nativity Sticker or Luke. WARNING: Failure to utilize QT
with spouse/family on daily basis in proximity of Nativity Sticker and
AdventBase™ will result in re-pressurizing of Gift List and leakage of Sulfur
Chloromide Polycarbide, resulting in severe skin burns.
WARNING: DO NOT UNWRAP CABLES FROM
AVERTISSEMENT: NE PAS DÉBRANCHER LES CÂBLES DE VOTRE CHRISTMAS ™!
Step 5: You are now ready to complete
assembly of your Christmas™. On Christmas Eve, utilize QT with spouse/family
and distribute remaining portions of Luke evenly to all family members. Place
de-pressurized Gift List beside cup of milk near fireplace or other central
heating unit. Lift your completed Christmas™ and place into AdventBase™ support
brackets. Using Allen wrench (4), tighten all hardware.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have successfully assembled your Christmas™!
NOTE: Your Christmas™ must be supported by OrdinaryTime™ 7.0, available at
participating Parishes of the Roman Catholic Church. PLEASE
NOTE: Christmas™ units unsupported by OrdinaryTime™ 7.0 may result in
permanent injury to but not excluding brain, skin, and hearts.
Johnson, a husband and father of five, is the bishop’s Delegate
for Evangelization and Media.