It’s almost a universal response these days. I tell someone we have nine children and they respond with some variation of “Wow! That’s like ‘Jon and Kate Plus Eight’ only with one more. I don’t know how you do it.” Let’s just set the record straight from the get-go: My life is nothing like Jon’s or Kate’s.
First of all, I don’t have a reality TV show. As much of my family as I share in this column and on my blog, I don’t live my life publicly. Families are places for little people and big people to grow. In the heart of a family, we all make mistakes, seek and find forgiveness, and learn to be more like God. It’s very difficult to do all of that with a camera trained on you.
I watched Jon and Kate recently. Since I was constantly hearing about them and being compared to them, I figured I should know a bit about them. So I caught a TLC marathon. The last episode I watched was a show where they decided to take all the children skiing in Utah. My husband flies to Utah a couple of times a month for work. I figured I’d pick up a few pointers should we ever decide to fly out there and turn one of his business trips into a vacation.
Kate explained how important the trip was because she wanted to be sure that her children get to do all the things other children do, despite the fact that she has eight children eight and under and six of them are all four years old. I assure you that all four-year-olds do not go skiing. I’ve had seven four-year-olds now and none of them have been skiing. It’s all I can do to zip my four-year-olds into snowsuits and send them out to play in the yard before it’s time to come in again and go potty. Ski vacations at plush resorts in Utah are not critical to the growth and development of a child. Furthermore, I’ve learned that it’s not a good idea to set myself or the children up to fail. Skiing together can wait until there’s a good chance we’ll all enjoy it. It was a two episode show. The first episode was the trip out there and the second episode was the actual vacation. By the end of the first episode, I was so frustrated that I never watched to see what happened on the slopes, though I have a good idea.
No wonder the people who compare our family to that one always look so pitying. Those children whined the entire time. It was as if someone was begging them to whine, teaching them to whine. Oh, wait, someone was. Their mother whined, very vocally, about all of it — the trip, the kids (and how many of them there were), the plane, and her husband. Whine, whine, whine, until she was huddled up in a ball, nearly hysterical because the flight was being diverted.
I have flown with children. It can be very stressful (particularly when one doesn’t have the benefit of a private plane, as Kate did). I live with nine children. I don’t have multiples. Her challenges are different from mine. She’s never tried to help with college applications while nursing a newborn or taught a teenager to drive while fighting morning sickness. Still, no doubt, her life is more stressful than mine. What makes me sad is that Jon and Kate have crept into the culture to the degree that the general population thinks that they are an accurate representation of life in a big family. They are not.
We don’t whine. I don’t whine and I don’t allow my children to whine. There’s no way you could pay me to announce out loud with wailing and melodrama,”There are too many of us!” as Kate did. There are never too many of us. There are exactly how many of us as God intended for our benefit. I see my children as gifts. And before I even knew those gifts, I saw my husband as a gift. I have tired days and frustrating days, but those 10 people are always gifts in my life. And they know it.
I wish Kate knew what it does to a child to see his mother sighing and complaining about what a trouble he is by his very existence or the circumstance of his birth. I wish Kate knew that husbands are happier when they are respected and appreciated. What makes me sad about Jon and Kate is that America has the impression that large families are exasperating burdens. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I know many, many real life large families. The days of whiny chaos are the exception and not the rule. Most mothers of large families are masters of organization, yes, but even more, they are careful students of patience and eager grabbers of grace. They pray for the children they have and often, they beg God for more children. And, at the end of the day, when they sit with their husbands on the couch, they move a little closer. Together, they reflect on successes and sorrows. Together, they evaluate problems and encourage progress. Together, with mutual respect and genuine affection, they gratefully embrace an abundant life.
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I'm Protestant, not Catholic, but I have 9 children because we have let God plan our family. We don't have cable, so I've never seen Jon and Kate, but AMEN!, Elizabeth, AMEN! I love having my children and I try hard never to criticize them or my husband (and he doesn't criticize me, either, even in sermon illustrations!).
Mom of 9, ages (almost) 7-27
Amen, Elizabeth, Amen! Thank you for putting in writing everything that I have thinking about this sad situation. A situation that has been put upon these children by their self-centered and selfish parents. The mother has especialy hid under the phrase "we are doing this for the kids" when all the kids want is their mother and father together and to themselves. Children do not need trips to DisneyWorld or resorts in Utah to be happy and know that they are loved. We have 3 children here on earth and 3 in heaven and although we are pushing 41 would welcome anymore that God would see fit for us to have. You are such an inspritaion to me as a Catholic, homeschooling, mom. Again, thanks for the article.
Your post gave me goosebumps & a lump in my throat.
Thank you for making it known that this is NOT how large families always are.
I feel for Jon & Kate, I really do.
However, I see so much that could be done, and is not being done, and it's sad.
I am the youngest of 8. Well, technically 13, but 4 my mother miscarried and 1 was stillborn. So 8 living.
My parents believe what you wrote-even to this day, if they could, they would accept more babies. (they're now in their 70's)
Your post really reminds me that children ARE gifts, and much more important than any physical object or trip. We only have 2 so far (plus one in heaven), but we do hope to have more, God willing.
I am sure I will be back to this post time & again.
God Bless you & those wonderful babies!
This was an interesting article to me since I have 10 kids and am never compared to Kate Gosselin. Always Mrs Duggar! :) I don't think I look like her or have a similar appearance. We are also Catholic, and while I admire much of what the Duggar family accomplishes and how they live, I don't think we ( as a family) are comparable to them in that respect either :)
I don't like watching Jon and Kate for many of the reasons you mentioned. However, I can't say that I *expect* much different since I am quite sure they never set out to have a large family nor embrace the idea of it *per se* now. Most of the large families I know have been convinced of the blessings of it and don't have one by accident, whether the majority of their children were planned or not.
It is heartbreaking to watch what is going on with them now. I understand what you are trying to say, but I mostly just feel very sorry for this family, especially the children. I daresay they probably need our prayers more than criticisms at this point.
Beautifully expressed.
I was just thinking of such families as yours today while reading yet another "news" item about the Gosselins, who put large broods in such an unpleasant light.
I grew up surrounded by large families-very large(all happened to be Catholic); 13, 10, 12, 8 kids....there were only 3 in ours, and I so envied those other households. Why? Because for all the hubbub there was so much obvious love-and, I'll add, faith. I grew up in Los Angeles, and for practical reasons the families I speak of tended to live in large houses. The fathers usually had well-paying jobs...but none of them were what's known as "rich" in a monetary sense; sometimes the house was a bit shabby--because all the money earned went to the practical upkeep of the entire household. Every cent. There weren't any complaints or sighing heard from the moms about "stress", though I'm sure there was stress aplenty-just not the kind where the mom is complaining about anything to do with her large family. This is my ideal of a large, christian family and it's a shame that this series has shown a life that is presented as the norm. Thanks for redressing that.
As a mother of 9, I too have heard on numerous occasions, "Have you seen Jon and Kate Plus 8?" It is a great sorrow to see a family implode, public or otherwise.
Families that are larger than the norm conflict with modern sensibilities.
But What Kate and Jon chose, was the false security of income, over the true security of genuine intimacy and problem solving that comes from not having the camera crew fairy godmothers to supply unreal trials and unreal consequences. The result was that a real family is becoming broken because it never had to come to terms with its very real broken problems and frightened people. The prospect of many is daunting, whether chosen or a surprise.
I feel very sad for all of them. We have the luxury of making our errors on a daily basis in private, whereas this couple had their steps video taped. Yet another example of how the false reality of reality television is a corrosive tool that in this case, will have scarred many.
I agree that this is a sad situation (since it should be the most joyful). I used to watch the show and still tune in every now and then. I strongly agree with all the comments previously posted. One thing I would like to add is the reason I watch the show is as a mother of 3 (willing and open to more blessings) I enjoy watching the dynamics of this large (yet unusual) family situation. I learn a lot from their battle of structure vs. the near impossible 'structure' of 8 little ones. Kate appears to have a struggle with always needing to be in control. I also learn a lot from them as husband and wife. I often ask myself while watching "Do I treat my husband that way?" I'm a little confused on how she can watch her own episodes and not see how emasculating she is to Jon. I would love to see Kate turn it over and let God take control. Her life will be much happier for it!
I am the mother of five and the seventh child from a family of nine. I love the Duggars! I love her sweet, mild nature. I have never watched a full episode of Jon and Kate + Eight because the mother is always irritated, she reminds me of what I do not want to be. I have sometimes wondered why the producers haven't sat her down and intervened..... she is an easy target for criticism. I also seem to always think, when I catch a glimpse of their life that she could have chosen selective abortion. But, she had 6 babies at once, she has eight now, she needs our prayers. Her family is dissolving in the public eye, for nothing stands without God. Pray unity and peace in their life and hearts.
GREAT column. I am a sahm mom of "only" five. When we had just given birth to our 4th, my husband taught me something that you say so well in your writing. Here is the story:
We were out to dinner with the four of them (and the dog -since it was in Germany). Some one came up to me and said the typical, "Wow, you've got your hands full. You sure must be stressed." I replied like I usually had up to that point, "Yea, they make me cray." Now, please understand, I meant it tongue in cheek. My husband then took me aside and asked, "Did you look at our kids when you said that? I think they really think you mean it." I decided from that day on to NEVER say anything about how "hard it is" to have so many. Now when I get THOSE comments (you know the ones), I just smile and say, "It may be busy, but it is so much fun. I just LOVE having all my kids. I am truly blessed."
I think it has made a difference. All my kids say stuff like, "We have such a great family." And they have all made comments about wanting big families of their own.
Thank you for example.
Elizabeth, I am a long time reader of yours and I usually enjoy your insights. I see that you are a wife and mom who strives to be the best you can be---what a blessing you are to your family, I'm sure. I want to suggest, however, that as Catholics we be a bit more sensitive to harsh criticisms made of large families in the public spotlight (even if they invited this criticism by the choices they made). We have been given the gift of our faith and as such we are able to walk in a way that is different from the one the world offers. Not all in our society, are privvy to this same gift.
I'm very sensitive to negative commentary because as a Mother myself, I am far from perfect. I make lots of mistakes, I unintentionally hurt my spouse and my children. In short, my family feels the effects of my sinfulness. Even with God's grace, the sacraments, and prayer, family life can still be very difficult. So, it seems to me that we should have even more compassion for those families trying to do their best without those things. They must work even harder and they must probably suffer even more because they don't have the graces from the sacraments. Praise God that we have the truth and we can find our way! Instead of verbal criticisms, let's pray for those who are pounding the pavement on their own.
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