Divorce was never something that Steven Perchalski had imagined. But in 2019, his marriage of 18 years fell apart. As he endured that crisis and emerged from it, “I fell into the arms of Jesus,” he said.
For the last eight years of his marriage, Perchalski had served as a caregiver for his wife, who suffered from severe health issues. During those years of balancing a full-time career as a U.S. Navy commander and caring for his wife, “I didn’t deal with it well,” he said. “I became a really angry person over those years.”
After a procedure that set his wife on the path to recovery, Perchalski leaned deeper into his faith, returning to church after years of being away. He said he asked his wife to join him in working to help heal their marriage, but that she was not interested.
During the fallout of the divorce in 2020, Perchalski stumbled across the Arlington diocese’s Mornings of Mercy, a quarterly morning retreat for Catholics who are separated or divorced. “It was like I found my people,” he said.
Mornings of Mercy, run by the diocesan Office of Marriage, Family and Respect Life, is one of several ministries for divorced or separated Catholics across the diocese. The morning retreat begins with daily Mass, followed by a reflection, small group discussions, Eucharistic adoration and the Divine Mercy Chaplet. Mornings of Mercy is held at a different diocesan parish each quarter.
“What people feel in the church is obviously a strong commitment to promoting marriage and family life,” said Father Thomas Ferguson, pastor of Good Shepherd Church in Alexandria, who helps run the retreats. “That’s not everybody’s experience. There are people who, through no fault of their own, are divorced, and they want to remain faithful Catholics.”
Thérèse Bermpohl began Mornings of Mercy with Father Ferguson, and retired earlier this month from her position as director of the diocesan office. “One of the main gifts that Mornings of Mercy provides is other Catholics who have been going through this exact same thing and who have gotten healing and who have come out on the other side of this darkness,” she said.
It was this sense of community and belonging that inspired Perchalski to start a divorce ministry back at his home parish, St. Jude Church in Fredericksburg, which he leads with Nancy Simms.
Perchalski was not the only one inspired to start a divorce ministry after attending Mornings of Mercy.
Multiple parishes host ministries for separated and divorced Catholics, including St. Jude, St. John the Apostle Church in Leesburg, Nativity Catholic Church in Burke, Our Lady of Good Counsel Church in Vienna, St. John Neumann Church in Reston and St. Veronica Church in Chantilly.
Each parish structures its ministry differently. Some take a book-club approach, for example reading “Divorced. Catholic. Now What?” followed by a conversation on the book’s discussion questions. Other parishes pre-select a conversation topic for the week. At St. John Neumann, ministry leader Jo-Ann Duggan also hosts a separate monthly meet-up for former and current members. Linda Borostovik said that at Nativity, members have even created a large group chat, where they share prayer intentions and prayerful resources. The occasional speaker, usually a priest or a deacon, offers instruction on the annulment process.
While Catholics of all seasons of life join the ministries, Simms said that at St. Jude, most ministry participants seek healing from “gray divorces,” or divorces among older couples. Duggan from St. John Neumann added that many who divorce later in life often struggle with loneliness, particularly if the children have left the home. According to The New York Times, around 40% of divorces today occur among people aged 50 and older.
In addition to emotional support, participants share resources for legal, financial and mental health needs. “We share our experiences to help those suffering through the process talking about the court system, child-rearing, handling lawyers, and renewing our relationship with Christ,” said St. Veronica leader Denise Kyle. But even with this support, “all of the participants say that this is the group that no one wants to be a part of.”
The Catechism of the Catholic Church describes divorce as a “grave offense against the natural law” (CCC 2384), yet also acknowledges spouses can be “unjustly abandoned” and an “innocent victim of a divorce” (2386).
Many people in the pews misunderstand the point of divorce ministries, ministry leaders said. “We are not a dating service,” said Borostovik of Nativity. “We are not anything other than a place where like-minded Catholics can live out their faith.” Simms from St. Jude agreed: “We uphold church teaching, and it’s how we, as faithful Catholics, live through this process. Some people choose never to have an annulment, so they choose to live out their wedding vows privately.”
Those who choose not to pursue an annulment are sometimes known as “standers,” Perchalski said. In the years after his own divorce, he didn’t consider an annulment, in the hope that his wife would return one day.
Evangelization and clarifying church teaching are important components of ministry to people who are divorced. Common misunderstandings include Catholics believing they are excommunicated if they are divorced. “If a person is divorced through no fault of their own and is living life as a chaste single person in the church, there’s no obstacle to receiving Communion,” Father Ferguson said. “When you are divorced and remarried outside of the church, that is an obstacle to receiving Communion.”
Many Catholics struggle to talk about divorce for fear that they are condoning it.
“I think people feel a misguided sense of shame,” said Elizabeth Ascik, who leads St. John the Apostle’s parish ministry with Judy Kwitnieski. “Most people also really see how important marriage was as a sacrament,” Kwitnieski said. “You don’t realize how much you value the sacrament of marriage until you’re out of it.” Most never wanted their divorce to happen and sought to heal their marriage, ministry leaders added.
All should strive to make the church a more welcoming place for Catholics going through divorce, said Duggan from St. John Neumann. “We don’t know who’s sitting next to us in the pew, right? We all have difficulties, we all have hurts.”
But even as divorce ministries help Catholics work through those hurts and grow in community, they bring Catholics closer to God, said St. Veronica leader Francisco Solares.
“As hard as divorce is, the path through it is an enriching experience in growing closer to God,” he said. “The strength of God’s love carries us through the pain of the loss. We do not experience divorce alone.”
Donofrio can be reached at anna.donofrio@catholicherald.com.
Find out more
For Mornings of Mercy and parish-based divorce ministries, go to arlingtondiocese.org/event/morningsofmercy.
