Remember that time when St. John Paul II said that men shouldn’t be attracted to their wives?
It was the general audience of Oct. 8, 1980, amid his “Theology of the Body” talks. And that wasn’t actually what he said. But it’s definitely what he was reported to have said. The media, who up until that time were pretty much ignoring these addresses entirely, was suddenly all over the story. Even I, 17 years old and utterly disinterested in anything that didn’t involve boys or designer jeans, heard about it. And boy, did it ever cause an uproar. Even now, 46 years later, I still find news articles about it.
So, what happened?
Remember, the second cycle of talks were based in the passage from Matthew’s account of the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus said, “You have heard it said, thou shalt not commit adultery. But I tell you, any man who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Mt 5:27-28). We have discussed Jesus’ meaning here — that lust is not sexual attraction per se, but rather the will to use another person, to reduce a precious image of God to their sexuality alone — a mere means to my satisfaction, an object, a thing.
Well, on that day, our favorite saint pointed out that Jesus didn’t say that “any man who looks at a woman who is not his wife lustfully … ” He said, “any man who looks at a woman lustfully … ” And then he went on to say that lust has no place in marriage:
“Adultery in the heart is committed not only because a man looks in a certain way at a woman who is not his wife, but precisely because he is looking at a woman that way.”
And the press, who up until now hadn’t been paying the slightest bit of attention, suddenly went crazy: “Catholic Pope Says All Sex is Bad.”
That’s not what he was saying.
What is marriage? It is the total self-gift in love. It says, “I give myself to you and join my life to yours, to become one with you, to look out for you and protect you and love you and put your welfare above my own.” And God joins them sacramentally together, truly making them one.
And marital sexual union is the reflection and culmination of all of that. It is the ultimate vulnerability, the ultimate transparency, the ultimate act of trust, the total self-gift made real with the gift of the body.
So is sexual attraction between spouses “bad?” Heck no. Frankly, I consider it one of God’s greatest gifts to us. I am quite certain that he delights in it.
But do you know what is bad? When that trust is betrayed. When a husband looks at his wife — the woman he has given his life to, the woman who has borne his children, the woman who makes herself completely vulnerable to him, and sees her precious body as just a receptacle, a way to get relief, a means to his own sexual satisfaction. When marital sexual union becomes severed from the relationship; when physical intimacy is no longer a reflection of their overall emotional and spiritual intimacy. When access to her deepest, most vulnerable self is demanded despite an absence of deeper connection, or perhaps even respect or common human decency.
That is lust. And marriage is the last place it should appear.
A husband’s duty is to protect his wife, to look out for her and see that she is always safe and cherished. So, when the husband is the one who, on any level, comprises a threat to her sense of physical or emotional safety, well, that’s not good.
Of course, the reverse is true as well — a wife has no right to objectify her husband either. So why didn’t the Holy Father make that distinction?
Well, for starters, Jesus didn’t make the distinction. So, he must’ve known something about men and women. Like that women are different. Our bodies are different. And that makes us more vulnerable, particularly in the sexual realm. Jesus was a great protector of women. And so, this warning of his was specifically to men. “Don’t see women as objects. Treasure them. Respect them. Love them.”
None of that is to say that wives aren’t capable of objectifying their husbands. It is less likely to occur in the sexual realm, although certainly not impossible. But there are plenty of ways for us to use each other. Relationships are complicated. Marriage is complicated. When you bring two flawed human beings together, there are a million different ways that they can objectify each other and fail in their love. It takes a high level of commitment and a lot of vigilance to overcome our brokenness and love each other well. And a great deal of prayer doesn’t hurt either.
Because if we want to keep marriages rooted in love instead of lust, we’re going to need all the help we can get.
Bonacci is a syndicated columnist based in Denver.
